"getcha headlines here!"

Lately, I have been feeling like I'm some hot, new headline in one of those trashy tabloid magazines you can't keep your hands off of in the check-out line. When I tell others about my decision to move forward with my divorce people either give me one of two responses: One is that of envy because I am getting to experience the wonderful perks of a newfound freedom that they wish they were brave enough- or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it- to do; or Two, I am like some sad, pathetic failure they shake their head at, serving as a symbol of appreciation and affirmation that they made the right choices in their life. Ever do that after a dinner party when you meet up with a bunch of couple friends? You have a wonderful meal sharing some laughter, and the moment the car door slams shut and you are alone with your spouse you immediate think how lucky you are to have something the others are totally missing out on. Or, when you see some Mom in the grocery store with this out of control child and you look down to see you little bundle of sunshine quietly following by your side, and know it is all because you have a knack for parenting.

I was with some of my friends that are still married, although just barely- you know, the ones that are fighting constantly and on their way down the same path of divorce but don't seem to care, either because they can't seem to stop from playing the sick game of marriage roulette or their still in denial that the end will ever come. So, there I was like some Louie handbag they would kill to have the privi of getting their hands on, and all I kept thinking was oh yeah, it is some ride staying up as late watching girl t.v. and eating Twizzlers until I puke! Sure, I go where ever I want, do what ever I want, say what ever I want, buy what ever I want, go bed when ever I want, but that's because nobody really cares what I do. Maybe you should read that again. NO one CARES that I even exist. Sure the phone rings and the emails flow in filled with encouraging words and loving support, but at night when the darkness settles and there is nothing but quiet surrounding me, it's only me. Maybe I'm just not getting it. Maybe, I should be fully embracing this period of self-absorbed growth and independence, but right now all I feel is alone. And, it's awful.