those blue eyes

I fell in to the trap again today. I am so angry at myself. Why can't I seem to shake the tight grasp he has me? It was miserable being with him but he is so good at sucking me in, and he always has been. That's definitely the best skill on his resume and he knows it. And, I know he's a liar but part of me wants to believe his lies. I haven't looked him in the eyes for so long, not like I did today, and I thought I was going to lay right down and become a piece of the floor board underneath my feet just so he could go ahead and stomp on me again. I'm here, wait for you, so go ahead and really grind those boots in this time!

"Who do you think you are running around leaving scars catching your jar of hearts and tearing love apart..."

Why do I even question the reasons is he trying so hard to make this work as if it gives his purpose some validity. Can't he just leave me alone or do I mean so little to him like some twisted game of chess he was so bored with but just doesn't feel like walking away from now that it got interesting. He looked at me and said he misses me so much. I suddenly felt my body start dancing wildly around while he pulls this string and that string, closer to him. I was smart enough to bring a pair of scissors this time, figuratively speaking, for those pesky strings, that is.

I just want to be free. I need to be free. But both of know I'm not. Not yet, anyway.

"getcha headlines here!"

Lately, I have been feeling like I'm some hot, new headline in one of those trashy tabloid magazines you can't keep your hands off of in the check-out line. When I tell others about my decision to move forward with my divorce people either give me one of two responses: One is that of envy because I am getting to experience the wonderful perks of a newfound freedom that they wish they were brave enough- or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it- to do; or Two, I am like some sad, pathetic failure they shake their head at, serving as a symbol of appreciation and affirmation that they made the right choices in their life. Ever do that after a dinner party when you meet up with a bunch of couple friends? You have a wonderful meal sharing some laughter, and the moment the car door slams shut and you are alone with your spouse you immediate think how lucky you are to have something the others are totally missing out on. Or, when you see some Mom in the grocery store with this out of control child and you look down to see you little bundle of sunshine quietly following by your side, and know it is all because you have a knack for parenting.

I was with some of my friends that are still married, although just barely- you know, the ones that are fighting constantly and on their way down the same path of divorce but don't seem to care, either because they can't seem to stop from playing the sick game of marriage roulette or their still in denial that the end will ever come. So, there I was like some Louie handbag they would kill to have the privi of getting their hands on, and all I kept thinking was oh yeah, it is some ride staying up as late watching girl t.v. and eating Twizzlers until I puke! Sure, I go where ever I want, do what ever I want, say what ever I want, buy what ever I want, go bed when ever I want, but that's because nobody really cares what I do. Maybe you should read that again. NO one CARES that I even exist. Sure the phone rings and the emails flow in filled with encouraging words and loving support, but at night when the darkness settles and there is nothing but quiet surrounding me, it's only me. Maybe I'm just not getting it. Maybe, I should be fully embracing this period of self-absorbed growth and independence, but right now all I feel is alone. And, it's awful.

one finger is all it takes

One moment, you are admiring the beautiful wedding ring on my finger- a lasting union that makes you who you are- thinking how truly lucky to have found The One while the rest of the world walks through life's bottomless pit; and the next, you are carelessly using that sentimental bottle of perfume he purchased when you first fell in love to cover the poop smell coming from the diaper pail.

That's when I knew I was done.

Today, I hit the send button on my income and expense statement to my attorney. The first step in the settlement process. It is so strange to actually be going through these motions. I know all the signs were there from the beginning but I never thought in million years I would actually one day take a step over to the other side of that 50%. I'm just a number now, a cold statistic.

And, he doesn't even know yet.