I was told by several people that there will be a day you have some sort of clarity, an "ah-huh" moment. Well, after years, months, and days in to my relationship- too many to count- that day has finally come. It has all been laid out on the table as to why things got so bad, whose to blame for what, and how we ended up at this point; whose to blame for being too controlling, or obsessive, or selfish, and both of us more immature than we care to admit. Do I still love him? Well, that's hard answer to just say out loud. More appropriately, do I see a future with him filled with happiness and fulfillment? Not so sure on that one. I think everyone gets to this very spot at some point in their lives. Some deal with it in different ways.
The only thing I can think of to do, without any vision of where I am going or how to get there, is just going to keep moving forward, and I admit I am not sure at all where I am going to end up. Taking a leap of faith and jumping. Some times I am so scared I feel like screaming and crying as I grasp for even the smallest branch to stop the motion of falling, and others I actually catch myself enjoy the wind carrying me up above the trees like a bird soaring high over everything. It is both the most frightening and exhilarating breath I have taken in my entire life.
We'll see what happens next.
10/20/2010
7/30/2010
you've heard it before... or have you?
Let's start from the beginning...
It started, like most stories, with two young people that met and fell instantly in love. It was a passionate whirlwind of emotion. As exciting and daring as your favorite amusement park ride. He was handsome, strong, confident, witty and, best of all, adventurous- all the things I wasn't. The person I had dreamed of and he was actually interested in me as well. Not to say the relationship didn't come with its share of challenges but, after all, that sets a strong foundation for great love to be built, or at least that is how it has always worked in my family. My parents started and ended in much the same way right after I came in to the world. My grandparents did make it to the 50+ year mark together with what I would say were definitely more downs than ups. But despite all the tears and heartache I remember visiting my Grandfather, right before he passed away, and hearing the longing in his voice for the day to come when he would be reunited with his other half in Heaven. I thought that day how lucky I was to know such a love and have a relationship just like theirs. One that was about getting through the struggle as long as you had each other. One that would last forever.
He waited a long time to ask me to marry him, but it didn't matter because I was sure enough for the two of us. He popped the question on a ferris wheel, nonetheless, and it was just like those stories you hear about and can't wait to tell because it happen to you. One the day I got married I couldn't imagine feeling anything but love for the man that stood before me. I was one of the fortunate few that understood how it all works; so sure we would always be there for each other in every way and never lose sight of what it meant to have the half of your soul within reach. We took the world by storm.
And then, life got messy. Stress piled high, time got short, and relating got complicated. The birth of my two sons should have been something to celebrate but it only added to the endless turmoil where talking turned in to yelling and love became more of a chore than of freewill. Yet despite all this I never expected that underneath the few happy memories I had (the baptisms and the birthdays) there were secrets hiding their ugly faces; other women indulging in the separateness that existed, pulling us further and further apart. Well, let me rephrase that... I guess I never thought it would happen to me!
The worse part, for me, is not being able to hit the rewind button and undo the past. That's the funny thing about truth, once you know about it you can't cover it up with denial and move on as though nothing ever happened. Unauthorized pages have now been published in my own personal memoirs that I can't just go and rip out. There are real people who have done real things with my husband- sharing, laughing, kissing and- you can use your imagination for the rest. Nonetheless, all at the same time I was. That is my new reality and although it sounds silly I would give anything to go back to being that naive, lovesick girl instead of the person I am today. The women with the gaping hole that nothing seems to fill. No band-aid that fits just right- only temporary fixes that make me feel worse in the end after the hazy has lifted. I am a hurricane with gail force winds destroying anything in its path, especially him, with no regret and no remorse; just a strong sense of justification that I am the victim, I am the one that had been wronged. Anger, depression, bitterness, loss of self worth- just to name a few. My soul is so hungry, so hurt.
Is there anyone out there listening?
It started, like most stories, with two young people that met and fell instantly in love. It was a passionate whirlwind of emotion. As exciting and daring as your favorite amusement park ride. He was handsome, strong, confident, witty and, best of all, adventurous- all the things I wasn't. The person I had dreamed of and he was actually interested in me as well. Not to say the relationship didn't come with its share of challenges but, after all, that sets a strong foundation for great love to be built, or at least that is how it has always worked in my family. My parents started and ended in much the same way right after I came in to the world. My grandparents did make it to the 50+ year mark together with what I would say were definitely more downs than ups. But despite all the tears and heartache I remember visiting my Grandfather, right before he passed away, and hearing the longing in his voice for the day to come when he would be reunited with his other half in Heaven. I thought that day how lucky I was to know such a love and have a relationship just like theirs. One that was about getting through the struggle as long as you had each other. One that would last forever.
He waited a long time to ask me to marry him, but it didn't matter because I was sure enough for the two of us. He popped the question on a ferris wheel, nonetheless, and it was just like those stories you hear about and can't wait to tell because it happen to you. One the day I got married I couldn't imagine feeling anything but love for the man that stood before me. I was one of the fortunate few that understood how it all works; so sure we would always be there for each other in every way and never lose sight of what it meant to have the half of your soul within reach. We took the world by storm.
And then, life got messy. Stress piled high, time got short, and relating got complicated. The birth of my two sons should have been something to celebrate but it only added to the endless turmoil where talking turned in to yelling and love became more of a chore than of freewill. Yet despite all this I never expected that underneath the few happy memories I had (the baptisms and the birthdays) there were secrets hiding their ugly faces; other women indulging in the separateness that existed, pulling us further and further apart. Well, let me rephrase that... I guess I never thought it would happen to me!
The worse part, for me, is not being able to hit the rewind button and undo the past. That's the funny thing about truth, once you know about it you can't cover it up with denial and move on as though nothing ever happened. Unauthorized pages have now been published in my own personal memoirs that I can't just go and rip out. There are real people who have done real things with my husband- sharing, laughing, kissing and- you can use your imagination for the rest. Nonetheless, all at the same time I was. That is my new reality and although it sounds silly I would give anything to go back to being that naive, lovesick girl instead of the person I am today. The women with the gaping hole that nothing seems to fill. No band-aid that fits just right- only temporary fixes that make me feel worse in the end after the hazy has lifted. I am a hurricane with gail force winds destroying anything in its path, especially him, with no regret and no remorse; just a strong sense of justification that I am the victim, I am the one that had been wronged. Anger, depression, bitterness, loss of self worth- just to name a few. My soul is so hungry, so hurt.
Is there anyone out there listening?
7/28/2010
ready, set, GO!
Imagine, if you will, being a horse about to compete in The Kentucky Derby- just stay with me for a minute- and as you are lead on to the field the reality of where you are suddenly sets in. Everything in your being should be telling you STOP! Turn around! Go home!, but for some reason you let go of any reservations you might have had and line up at the starting gate with an air of confidence and a fierce sense of adrenaline like you have never had before. The idea exists that you just might be the one holding that lucky ticket and, given that you were once a horse whose aspirations were merely eating some grass and running through the pasture, here you are living the dream. Forget the fact that it is also much too late to back out now. The horn sounds, the gates open, and off you go. It is hard and painful, and you are literally pushed to a place you never knew possible- feeling the wind lifting you up and propelling you forward, steady and focused. Sweat on your brow and grit in your teeth, in the blink of an eye you cross the finish line and victory is yours. Such a wonderful parody of glory and triumph to exceed your every expectation and do things you never thought possible. Or is it? In some ways it is all about perspective. Is it possible that in the end maybe it was just having blinders on that got you through it all? Maybe, the big race was a big waste of time and what have you really gained if you are just a horse who merely likes to eat some grass and run through the pasture. A horse who now just wants to be free, to be.
I remember the day I found the text from the "other" women on his phone. I could barely breath. My world closing in as I read the words "I miss you already". So endearing and not a single one from me. Words that changed my life, and changed me forever from that moment on. The details so sad and hurtful you can't imagine their existence unless you have actually lived through them yourself. There is such a monumental gap between believing something and actually knowing it. One that now has a river of tears flowing from one side clear to the other, with a current so strong it pulls you under. Instead of water there is only anger and bitterness so thick you feel like you will never be able to come up for air. No one to save you from drowning except the one who pushed you under. So, now that you get the picture- and, you obviously know I am not a horse!- let me take you on my journey.
I remember the day I found the text from the "other" women on his phone. I could barely breath. My world closing in as I read the words "I miss you already". So endearing and not a single one from me. Words that changed my life, and changed me forever from that moment on. The details so sad and hurtful you can't imagine their existence unless you have actually lived through them yourself. There is such a monumental gap between believing something and actually knowing it. One that now has a river of tears flowing from one side clear to the other, with a current so strong it pulls you under. Instead of water there is only anger and bitterness so thick you feel like you will never be able to come up for air. No one to save you from drowning except the one who pushed you under. So, now that you get the picture- and, you obviously know I am not a horse!- let me take you on my journey.
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