Let's start from the beginning...
It started, like most stories, with two young people that met and fell instantly in love. It was a passionate whirlwind of emotion. As exciting and daring as your favorite amusement park ride. He was handsome, strong, confident, witty and, best of all, adventurous- all the things I wasn't. The person I had dreamed of and he was actually interested in me as well. Not to say the relationship didn't come with its share of challenges but, after all, that sets a strong foundation for great love to be built, or at least that is how it has always worked in my family. My parents started and ended in much the same way right after I came in to the world. My grandparents did make it to the 50+ year mark together with what I would say were definitely more downs than ups. But despite all the tears and heartache I remember visiting my Grandfather, right before he passed away, and hearing the longing in his voice for the day to come when he would be reunited with his other half in Heaven. I thought that day how lucky I was to know such a love and have a relationship just like theirs. One that was about getting through the struggle as long as you had each other. One that would last forever.
He waited a long time to ask me to marry him, but it didn't matter because I was sure enough for the two of us. He popped the question on a ferris wheel, nonetheless, and it was just like those stories you hear about and can't wait to tell because it happen to you. One the day I got married I couldn't imagine feeling anything but love for the man that stood before me. I was one of the fortunate few that understood how it all works; so sure we would always be there for each other in every way and never lose sight of what it meant to have the half of your soul within reach. We took the world by storm.
And then, life got messy. Stress piled high, time got short, and relating got complicated. The birth of my two sons should have been something to celebrate but it only added to the endless turmoil where talking turned in to yelling and love became more of a chore than of freewill. Yet despite all this I never expected that underneath the few happy memories I had (the baptisms and the birthdays) there were secrets hiding their ugly faces; other women indulging in the separateness that existed, pulling us further and further apart. Well, let me rephrase that... I guess I never thought it would happen to me!
The worse part, for me, is not being able to hit the rewind button and undo the past. That's the funny thing about truth, once you know about it you can't cover it up with denial and move on as though nothing ever happened. Unauthorized pages have now been published in my own personal memoirs that I can't just go and rip out. There are real people who have done real things with my husband- sharing, laughing, kissing and- you can use your imagination for the rest. Nonetheless, all at the same time I was. That is my new reality and although it sounds silly I would give anything to go back to being that naive, lovesick girl instead of the person I am today. The women with the gaping hole that nothing seems to fill. No band-aid that fits just right- only temporary fixes that make me feel worse in the end after the hazy has lifted. I am a hurricane with gail force winds destroying anything in its path, especially him, with no regret and no remorse; just a strong sense of justification that I am the victim, I am the one that had been wronged. Anger, depression, bitterness, loss of self worth- just to name a few. My soul is so hungry, so hurt.
Is there anyone out there listening?
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