those blue eyes

I fell in to the trap again today. I am so angry at myself. Why can't I seem to shake the tight grasp he has me? It was miserable being with him but he is so good at sucking me in, and he always has been. That's definitely the best skill on his resume and he knows it. And, I know he's a liar but part of me wants to believe his lies. I haven't looked him in the eyes for so long, not like I did today, and I thought I was going to lay right down and become a piece of the floor board underneath my feet just so he could go ahead and stomp on me again. I'm here, wait for you, so go ahead and really grind those boots in this time!

"Who do you think you are running around leaving scars catching your jar of hearts and tearing love apart..."

Why do I even question the reasons is he trying so hard to make this work as if it gives his purpose some validity. Can't he just leave me alone or do I mean so little to him like some twisted game of chess he was so bored with but just doesn't feel like walking away from now that it got interesting. He looked at me and said he misses me so much. I suddenly felt my body start dancing wildly around while he pulls this string and that string, closer to him. I was smart enough to bring a pair of scissors this time, figuratively speaking, for those pesky strings, that is.

I just want to be free. I need to be free. But both of know I'm not. Not yet, anyway.


"getcha headlines here!"

Lately, I have been feeling like I'm some hot, new headline in one of those trashy tabloid magazines you can't keep your hands off of in the check-out line. When I tell others about my decision to move forward with my divorce people either give me one of two responses: One is that of envy because I am getting to experience the wonderful perks of a newfound freedom that they wish they were brave enough- or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it- to do; or Two, I am like some sad, pathetic failure they shake their head at, serving as a symbol of appreciation and affirmation that they made the right choices in their life. Ever do that after a dinner party when you meet up with a bunch of couple friends? You have a wonderful meal sharing some laughter, and the moment the car door slams shut and you are alone with your spouse you immediate think how lucky you are to have something the others are totally missing out on. Or, when you see some Mom in the grocery store with this out of control child and you look down to see you little bundle of sunshine quietly following by your side, and know it is all because you have a knack for parenting.

I was with some of my friends that are still married, although just barely- you know, the ones that are fighting constantly and on their way down the same path of divorce but don't seem to care, either because they can't seem to stop from playing the sick game of marriage roulette or their still in denial that the end will ever come. So, there I was like some Louie handbag they would kill to have the privi of getting their hands on, and all I kept thinking was oh yeah, it is some ride staying up as late watching girl t.v. and eating Twizzlers until I puke! Sure, I go where ever I want, do what ever I want, say what ever I want, buy what ever I want, go bed when ever I want, but that's because nobody really cares what I do. Maybe you should read that again. NO one CARES that I even exist. Sure the phone rings and the emails flow in filled with encouraging words and loving support, but at night when the darkness settles and there is nothing but quiet surrounding me, it's only me. Maybe I'm just not getting it. Maybe, I should be fully embracing this period of self-absorbed growth and independence, but right now all I feel is alone. And, it's awful.


one finger is all it takes

One moment, you are admiring the beautiful wedding ring on my finger- a lasting union that makes you who you are- thinking how truly lucky to have found The One while the rest of the world walks through life's bottomless pit; and the next, you are carelessly using that sentimental bottle of perfume he purchased when you first fell in love to cover the poop smell coming from the diaper pail.

That's when I knew I was done.

Today, I hit the send button on my income and expense statement to my attorney. The first step in the settlement process. It is so strange to actually be going through these motions. I know all the signs were there from the beginning but I never thought in million years I would actually one day take a step over to the other side of that 50%. I'm just a number now, a cold statistic.

And, he doesn't even know yet.


lights are on

I was told by several people that there will be a day you have some sort of clarity, an "ah-huh" moment. Well, after years, months, and days in to my relationship- too many to count- that day has finally come. It has all been laid out on the table as to why things got so bad, whose to blame for what, and how we ended up at this point; whose to blame for being too controlling, or obsessive, or selfish, and both of us more immature than we care to admit. Do I still love him? Well, that's hard answer to just say out loud. More appropriately, do I see a future with him filled with happiness and fulfillment? Not so sure on that one. I think everyone gets to this very spot at some point in their lives. Some deal with it in different ways.

The only thing I can think of to do, without any vision of where I am going or how to get there, is just going to keep moving forward, and I admit I am not sure at all where I am going to end up. Taking a leap of faith and jumping. Some times I am so scared I feel like screaming and crying as I grasp for even the smallest branch to stop the motion of falling, and others I actually catch myself enjoy the wind carrying me up above the trees like a bird soaring high over everything. It is both the most frightening and exhilarating breath I have taken in my entire life.

We'll see what happens next.


you've heard it before... or have you?

Let's start from the beginning...

It started, like most stories, with two young people that met and fell instantly in love. It was a passionate whirlwind of emotion. As exciting and daring as your favorite amusement park ride. He was handsome, strong, confident, witty and, best of all, adventurous- all the things I wasn't. The person I had dreamed of and he was actually interested in me as well. Not to say the relationship didn't come with its share of challenges but, after all, that sets a strong foundation for great love to be built, or at least that is how it has always worked in my family. My parents started and ended in much the same way right after I came in to the world. My grandparents did make it to the 50+ year mark together with what I would say were definitely more downs than ups. But despite all the tears and heartache I remember visiting my Grandfather, right before he passed away, and hearing the longing in his voice for the day to come when he would be reunited with his other half in Heaven. I thought that day how lucky I was to know such a love and have a relationship just like theirs. One that was about getting through the struggle as long as you had each other. One that would last forever.

He waited a long time to ask me to marry him, but it didn't matter because I was sure enough for the two of us. He popped the question on a ferris wheel, nonetheless, and it was just like those stories you hear about and can't wait to tell because it happen to you. One the day I got married I couldn't imagine feeling anything but love for the man that stood before me. I was one of the fortunate few that understood how it all works; so sure we would always be there for each other in every way and never lose sight of what it meant to have the half of your soul within reach. We took the world by storm.

And then, life got messy. Stress piled high, time got short, and relating got complicated. The birth of my two sons should have been something to celebrate but it only added to the endless turmoil where talking turned in to yelling and love became more of a chore than of freewill. Yet despite all this I never expected that underneath the few happy memories I had (the baptisms and the birthdays) there were secrets hiding their ugly faces; other women indulging in the separateness that existed, pulling us further and further apart. Well, let me rephrase that... I guess I never thought it would happen to me!

The worse part, for me, is not being able to hit the rewind button and undo the past. That's the funny thing about truth, once you know about it you can't cover it up with denial and move on as though nothing ever happened. Unauthorized pages have now been published in my own personal memoirs that I can't just go and rip out. There are real people who have done real things with my husband- sharing, laughing, kissing and- you can use your imagination for the rest. Nonetheless, all at the same time I was. That is my new reality and although it sounds silly I would give anything to go back to being that naive, lovesick girl instead of the person I am today. The women with the gaping hole that nothing seems to fill. No band-aid that fits just right- only temporary fixes that make me feel worse in the end after the hazy has lifted. I am a hurricane with gail force winds destroying anything in its path, especially him, with no regret and no remorse; just a strong sense of justification that I am the victim, I am the one that had been wronged. Anger, depression, bitterness, loss of self worth- just to name a few. My soul is so hungry, so hurt.

Is there anyone out there listening?


ready, set, GO!

Imagine, if you will, being a horse about to compete in The Kentucky Derby- just stay with me for a minute- and as you are lead on to the field the reality of where you are suddenly sets in. Everything in your being should be telling you STOP! Turn around! Go home!, but for some reason you let go of any reservations you might have had and line up at the starting gate with an air of confidence and a fierce sense of adrenaline like you have never had before. The idea exists that you just might be the one holding that lucky ticket and, given that you were once a horse whose aspirations were merely eating some grass and running through the pasture, here you are living the dream. Forget the fact that it is also much too late to back out now. The horn sounds, the gates open, and off you go. It is hard and painful, and you are literally pushed to a place you never knew possible- feeling the wind lifting you up and propelling you forward, steady and focused. Sweat on your brow and grit in your teeth, in the blink of an eye you cross the finish line and victory is yours. Such a wonderful parody of glory and triumph to exceed your every expectation and do things you never thought possible. Or is it? In some ways it is all about perspective. Is it possible that in the end maybe it was just having blinders on that got you through it all? Maybe, the big race was a big waste of time and what have you really gained if you are just a horse who merely likes to eat some grass and run through the pasture. A horse who now just wants to be free, to be.

I remember the day I found the text from the "other" women on his phone. I could barely breath. My world closing in as I read the words "I miss you already". So endearing and not a single one from me. Words that changed my life, and changed me forever from that moment on. The details so sad and hurtful you can't imagine their existence unless you have actually lived through them yourself. There is such a monumental gap between believing something and actually knowing it. One that now has a river of tears flowing from one side clear to the other, with a current so strong it pulls you under. Instead of water there is only anger and bitterness so thick you feel like you will never be able to come up for air. No one to save you from drowning except the one who pushed you under. So, now that you get the picture- and, you obviously know I am not a horse!- let me take you on my journey.