10/20/2010

lights are on

I was told by several people that there will be a day you have some sort of clarity, an "ah-huh" moment. Well, after years, months, and days in to my relationship- too many to count- that day has finally come. It has all been laid out on the table as to why things got so bad, whose to blame for what, and how we ended up at this point; whose to blame for being too controlling, or obsessive, or selfish, and both of us more immature than we care to admit. Do I still love him? Well, that's hard answer to just say out loud. More appropriately, do I see a future with him filled with happiness and fulfillment? Not so sure on that one. I think everyone gets to this very spot at some point in their lives. Some deal with it in different ways.

The only thing I can think of to do, without any vision of where I am going or how to get there, is just going to keep moving forward, and I admit I am not sure at all where I am going to end up. Taking a leap of faith and jumping. Some times I am so scared I feel like screaming and crying as I grasp for even the smallest branch to stop the motion of falling, and others I actually catch myself enjoy the wind carrying me up above the trees like a bird soaring high over everything. It is both the most frightening and exhilarating breath I have taken in my entire life.

We'll see what happens next.