ready, set, GO!

Imagine, if you will, being a horse about to compete in The Kentucky Derby- just stay with me for a minute- and as you are lead on to the field the reality of where you are suddenly sets in. Everything in your being should be telling you STOP! Turn around! Go home!, but for some reason you let go of any reservations you might have had and line up at the starting gate with an air of confidence and a fierce sense of adrenaline like you have never had before. The idea exists that you just might be the one holding that lucky ticket and, given that you were once a horse whose aspirations were merely eating some grass and running through the pasture, here you are living the dream. Forget the fact that it is also much too late to back out now. The horn sounds, the gates open, and off you go. It is hard and painful, and you are literally pushed to a place you never knew possible- feeling the wind lifting you up and propelling you forward, steady and focused. Sweat on your brow and grit in your teeth, in the blink of an eye you cross the finish line and victory is yours. Such a wonderful parody of glory and triumph to exceed your every expectation and do things you never thought possible. Or is it? In some ways it is all about perspective. Is it possible that in the end maybe it was just having blinders on that got you through it all? Maybe, the big race was a big waste of time and what have you really gained if you are just a horse who merely likes to eat some grass and run through the pasture. A horse who now just wants to be free, to be.

I remember the day I found the text from the "other" women on his phone. I could barely breath. My world closing in as I read the words "I miss you already". So endearing and not a single one from me. Words that changed my life, and changed me forever from that moment on. The details so sad and hurtful you can't imagine their existence unless you have actually lived through them yourself. There is such a monumental gap between believing something and actually knowing it. One that now has a river of tears flowing from one side clear to the other, with a current so strong it pulls you under. Instead of water there is only anger and bitterness so thick you feel like you will never be able to come up for air. No one to save you from drowning except the one who pushed you under. So, now that you get the picture- and, you obviously know I am not a horse!- let me take you on my journey.